Please help me understand drug addiction?
Sorry if this is a bit long, I will try and explain this as best I can…
My partner’s brother is now in his mid 60’s and is a drug addict. He has been in prison for drug dealing both in the UK and abroad on and off serving approx 10-15 years. He doesn’t drug deal any more but is addicted to them. I am not sure what he is taking, but I think it is Coke and Heroine. He hears voices and shakes uncontrollably, all the time, he has no pride in his appearance and has lost most of his teeth and basically looks a mess.
In his prime he was a very handsome man, he had property, fast cars, a beautiful wife and son. According to my partner, he was incredibly arrogant and rather than work for it like the rest of it, he chose a different path by selling drugs and making alot of money quickly. Well he’s lost everything. He lives with his mother who is in her 80’s. He sleeps during the day and every 2-3 days buys more drugs – we are assuming with money he is getting from benefits (he has not worked since his last stint in prison 12 years ago), OR that his mother gives him some of her pension.
He keeps saying he is going to, as he puts, it "turn a corner" and that he is close to giving up, but these are just empty words. My partner confronted him and said, OK if you’re going to give up, give me a time limit, well of course he couldn’t do that.
is it too late? Can we help him? If so, what can we do if he won’t help himself?
Hi,
Well, your partner’s brother sounds like he’s sure had his difficulties with addiction. I think it’s good that you and your partner want to understand better, and I will try and explain addiction the best I can.
First off, addiction is believed to be a chronic disease that gets worse with time. Even medical doctors now acknowledge that drug addicts have different brain chemistry (this wasn’t able to be proven until modern technology could show it). So the first and foremost thing to keep in mind is that a drug addict who is using drugs or drinking is not going to be thinking or acting like a "normal" person would. Their brain is literally wired to need and seek out drugs. He probably feels the urge to use as soon as he wakes up in the morning, and it’s probably at the forefront of his mind until he goes to sleep. If he is using heroin, this only complicates things, as he would be physically addicted to heroin as well. So if he doesn’t use, he gets very sick. So he feels the need to use both emotionally and physically to try and feel okay. Of course, this changes once an addict is detoxed and has been sober for a period of time, but there is still that "addiction wiring" in their brain. This is why it’s suggested that a drug addict remain completely abstinent from all drugs and alcohol to maintain sobriety.
Secondly, those empty promises he gives you probably mean something to him, but his addiction basically takes over and he is unable to stop, even if he wants to. Many addicts find that they have to reach a horrible place, also called "hitting rock bottom", before they can stop. Most "normal" people would think that going to prison or getting arrested or losing all your money or houses or cars would be a rock bottom, but to a drug addict–those are just things. The important rock bottom a drug addict has to hit is an EMOTIONAL bottom. That is, they could still have a million dollars and a nice house, wife, cars, etc. but if they FEEL like they are done, then that is where change can happen. This is why you see so many addicts lose it all but keep using drugs. Because they haven’t reached that place of despair inside.
So, negative consequences do not mean much to an addict. This is one of the criteria in the definition of addiction: "Addicts continue to use despite negative consequences." So punishing or threatening an addict will not make them stop using. This is why so many addicts go to prison but use drugs again within a day or two of getting out. Punishment means nothing in active addiction.
To answer your questions: No, it is not too late. I know many people who have gotten clean and sober in their 60s, 70s, and even 80s. I met a man once at an AA meeting who was 30 days sober and he was 87 years old. He said he was a drunk his whole life, lost it all–house, wife, kids, grandkids, etc.–and that he had made peace with that. But he just wanted to be sober before he died. I also had several clients in treatment who were well into their 60s and 70s. They can still get clean.
The things you can do to help would be: don’t enable him. Enabling means providing money, rides, clothing, food, etc. Enabling an addict in any way just makes it easier for them to use. They also will believe that they can continue to manipulate you–this is just how addicts think. It seems he is enabled by his mother, which is unfortunate, but very common with parents of addicts. They tend to feel guilty and can’t say "no" despite all of the bad things their (adult) child has done or is doing. Secondly, you can try to stage an intervention if you believe it might help. An intervention MUST be performed by an intervention specialist. They basically construct a plan to try and "bring" the addict’s rock bottom to him. Interventions are very popular here in the US, and we even have several reality TV shows which document interventions and addicts getting sober from them. The end of an intervention basically is an ultimatum: The addict either goes into rehab right this second, or there are a set of very specific therapeutic consequences (this is what the interventionist helps with). This might be a good choice if you can get his mother on board. She is his primary enabler, and if she continues to provide him with money and a roof over her head, he will most likely continue to use indefinitely.
There really is no way to force an addict to stop using. I think this has been made apparent by your partner’s brother’s case. The best advice I can give you would be to take care of yourself, and the same for your partner. There is a 12 step program called "Alanon" which is for the family and loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. It is an excellent anonymous free program just like Alcoholics Anonymous, except it’s for the family (who are not alcoholics). You might want to look into meetings in your area. Just do an internet search for "Alanon meetings" in your city. They have specific ways of helping to cope with having